Recently I saw some friends tweeting about using the dating app Bumble and I thought hmmmm…let’s see what all this fuss is about.
After a very short and not so pleasant experience on Tinder, I steered clear of online dating in any form because it seriously felt like all these outlets were where dating goes to die.
I looked into Bumble and I liked that the premise of it was to give the women using the app the control over making contact. This simple perk gave the app a friendlier and safer feel and so I thought f**k it! I’ma try it!
Now I’m going to give you a no holds barred account of what my reactions were my first three weeks on Bumble. I warn you, if you are easily offended, don’t read ahead. I’m about to get pretty sassy about the experience. Please note this is purely based on my participation only, so don’t be all mad if I say something you don’t like because let’s be real, I probably will 💁🏼♀️
Okay…..here we go!
Firstly, for the love of all things holy, stop putting fake education on your profile. Are you 12? You didn’t go to Harvard. You didn’t go to Princeton. I think you’re lucky if you find your way to your own backyard. D*ck move.
Speaking of fake, some a y’all mother f*ckers are not 30. So you 50 year old sh*t bags having a mid life crisis need to man up, let it go, and own who you really are. D*ck move pops.
Now for a taste of the creepy. Stop putting up one picture and each consecutive picture is just a zoom in of the previous one. You look like a serial killer from a horror movie when you hear DUH DUN and the camera zooms right in on the killers face. You have crazy eyes. D*ck move.
And whilst on the topic of pictures, posting photos of you and other people and pixelating them out or scribbling over their faces like you’re putting a hex on them makes for a weird first impression. Like were you trying to cast a spell on your ex but your wizardly sorcery backfired into sh*t photoshop instead?!?! Guess what…..d*ck move 💁🏼♀️
Ohhhhh and now for my favorite! Don’t swipe right on someone, match up coz they swiped right too, then when they message your stupid ass, don’t bother replying. If you can’t speak to someone like a normal human being to get to know them and expect every girl to be a one trick Ho-ny and kick off with “You’re hot. Let’s ****.”, you’re on the wrong app. D*ck move f*ckboy.
It’s supposed to be a safe space for women to feel more in control and not pressured. The amount of guys on there who have a misogynistic bio poking fun at that fact is pretty gross. For once on these dating apps, a woman has the power. Those with these bios are obliterating everything that makes it a safer friendlier space by devaluing that. D*ck. Move.
And now to the story of this one guy who I matched with who actually responds to me. He gives me the equivalent of cave man one word answers, which I forgive because he is pretty and he has a dog. Then he goes quiet for a week after I’ve asked questions about what he’s told me to show I’m paying attention and I’m interested and the jerk unmatches me. It’s actually sad that these days so many people are incapable of getting to know someone? So Dear Jamie from within 8km of me 👏🏼 D*ck 👏🏼 move 👏🏼 and GFY 💁🏼♀️
All in all I’ve found that despite this app being advertised as a feminist twist on Tinder and that it’s a friendlier environment, it’s kinda not. The expectation is still to match with someone and basically throw yourself at them like you’re a piece of meat. Guys expect girls to engage conversations by offering themselves up and there is such a stigma against actually attempting to get to know someone. God forbid you say Hello and ask how someone is because you’re instantly labeled boring. Sorry but I’m not keen on giving some rando my phone number and private social media to skip the effort of getting to know them, no matter how cute he is or how much I’d hypothetically climb him like a tree.
So thanks for the interesting adventure Bumble. It was a laugh and I’ve seen things I can’t unsee, but to be honest, the best thing that came out of my three week bender was this:
Here’s to meeting people the old fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgement 😂