Letters I’ll Never Send

30 seconds. 

It took 30 seconds for me to go from adoring you to hating you. 

30 f**king seconds. 

Will I hate you tomorrow?

I don’t know…..

Maybe. 

You know what….

Probably not. 

But right now…right now I do. 

Because right now I’m angry and anger burns and in my rage I’m ready to burn you down with me. 

You see, you handed me this burden. You wrapped it up and packaged it and gave it to me and I carry it alone. It wasn’t mine to keep. It was supposed to be ours but you left it in my care and carried on like I and the thing I held didn’t exist. 

What I can’t reconcile though is how you can just keep going without thinking I’ll set it free. Is my respect for you that obvious that you know I’d never let it go to fall and shatter? 

Shame you can’t appreciate that I’m doing this for you. Well….it feels like you don’t. And trust me, on days like today it is taking all that I am to not shout it out. 

I know I’m trustworthy and I know I’m strong, but I’m human and I break and I hurt and your half that I’m carrying is taking it’s toll. 

This isn’t a game of finders keepers where I drew the short straw so now I’m stuck with what I found. You chose to share this with me and sharing means having something equally.

I’m fiercely loyal to those I care about and so in sharing what you did, I’m ensuring it remains with me because loyalty means protection. Yet here you are treating me like you would treat those I’m protecting you from, like I don’t exist. Trust goes both ways and I trusted you would treat me better. I didn’t think that meant shutting me out. 

Do you know how hard it is to be asked “How come you guys aren’t keeping in touch? I thought you were friends. What happened?”

What am I supposed to say?

Do I say you’re a liar and I believe nothing that has or will come out of your mouth because you promised and said so much and then took it back after the fact because it was easier for you. 

Will I say that though?

No. 

Because as much as I may want to, I don’t believe you are that way. 

30 f**king seconds!

F**k!

I know this is all my anger talking and I know when angry we make speeches we will later regret, but I think in this instance I need to be heard. I can’t pretend like how I’m feeling is okay. Because it’s not. 

I thought so much of you. 

I can’t lie…I still do. 

You are different, you are good and you are everything that so many of us want in a friend. 

What happened to that person I know?

How come the opposite is what I get now?

I guess I’ll never know. 

I never wanted anything from you. I don’t expect anything. All I’d hoped for was that spark of friendship to remain. 

But that’s in your hands now. I guess that’s what you carry. 

30 seconds. 

30 seconds was all it took for me to feel so differently. 

And 30 seconds is all it’s taken for me to take it back. 

Guess neither of us is good at sticking to our guns. 

I can’t hate you. 

I never could. 

It’s just easier to be angry than admit you are hurt. 

But I’ll be okay.

One day, maybe we’ll meet again. Maybe we’ll talk. 

Hopefully for more than 30 seconds….

xoxo Natalie 

Birthday…ixnay on the appyhay

Growing up I remember the countdown to my birthday being this huge novelty. It was so exciting and fun and I just couldn’t wait to become that one year older. I don’t have that feeling anymore. 

And not because of aging, but because there seems to be a lack of reason to celebrate. 

Last year I cancelled my birthday. I basically treated it like it didn’t exist. I was nursing a broken heart, so as it was it wasn’t off to a good start, and when left with the prospect of choosing something to do in celebration of it, I realised my idea of fun and what would make my heart happy was not something those in my life would indulge me in. 

So I chose not to acknowledge that I turned 34 at all. 
Now I’m about to turn 35. 

And what….

Has anything changed. 

I guess my attitude has changed. This year I’m being positive. I’m actually organizing an outing with friends. I figure if I put good vibes out into the universe maybe this year will grace me with some love and light. But I’m not putting all my eggs into the happy basket. Why?

You see over the years I’ve learnt that sometimes the one thing that gives you the most happiness actually is the same thing that hurts you the most. It hurts because you invest all that you feel in it. You give your everything and you put all your hope out there that it’s going to be all you wished for and more because you want to believe that for a sliver of time things will be perfect. 

But they rarely are and that’s normal because what is perfect anyways?

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m just going to accept the day and this new year of life as it comes. I won’t place expectations on it. Instead I’ll just have a little faith…that maybe…somewhere along the way…there’ll be some magic in the air and I’ll get that sliver of perfect when I least expect it.

xoxo Natalie 

Dear Customer…..

I am not in customer service to be abused. 

I am not in customer service to be yelled at. 

I am not in customer service to be treated incapable.

I am not in customer service for you to be aggressive towards me.

I am a person.

I am doing a job.

I am not a punching bag.

I am here to manage a store.

I am here to roster staff on to be here to assist you with your purchase.

I am here to ensure we have stock on the floor for you to buy.

I am here to ensure the store is running to the needs of head office.

I am not here to be your monkey. I will not dance.

We have a store policy, read it.

We have a customer service team, call them.

We have capable staff members, ask them.

But do not yell, do not snatch items and do not tower over us. Intimidation isn’t welcome, it isn’t right. We are here to help as best we can. We are not here to be treated less than. 

We are human.

Thank you and have a nice day….

xoxo Natalie 

On A Side Note

I was planning to do a very different kind of post, but recently I witnessed something at work for the umpteenth time and it made me begin to wonder at what point will the cycle end. 

There is someone I work with whom you have to be on eggshells around constantly. It’s not just staff members like me but senior management also who need to pander to this person because they are personally victimised by everything. And when I say everything, I mean you blink to keep your eyeballs moist and you did something wrong. 

To be honest I’m starting to feel victimised by their victimisation which I’m sure in some roundabout way they would say victimises them because they need to be the focus. All. The. Time. 

I think the reason it has begun to bother me so much is time and time again I see this person conveniently disappear when work needs to be done, they leave others high and dry in situations that require team work and they come up with any excuse to not do necessary tasks (including rehashing traumas from eons past to guilt others into saying “It’s ok, I’ll do it”).

The funny thing is on the flip side, when this person conveniently disappears and someone picks up their slack and does their work for them, they complain and complain and complain saying others “stole” their job and it isn’t fair. Yet when this person blatantly steps on others toes by taking over tasks they are not required for because the people required always show up and the same issue they complained about is raised about them or with them, everyone is a bully and a c**t and treats them like sh*t. 

Either way nobody can win. 

I’ve sat here and wondered, how do you even broach something like this with a person who can be so unreasonable. How do you even get them to take a step back and realize nobody is out to get them, everyone just wants to do their job and not have to worry that there is going to be another meltdown around the corner. 

It’s draining and exhausting and it’s getting old. 

I would love to one day have a free pass to be straight up. To be able to say “Stop!” when they are pushing everyone too far. To be able to say it clearly that not everything is about them. And to show that the more you cry wolf and claim everyone hates you when they don’t, actually creates rifts and pushes people away. 

But can you really reason with someone who believes their own lies….

A person can only put up with trying to be nice to someone and tolerate their outbursts while being slammed for so long. There does come a point where trying to be nice to keep the peace is a lost cause because it falls on deaf ears. But it is in those moments I remind myself of this…

It makes me stop and think, out of the two, who would I rather be….the person trying to be nice or the one isolating everyone. 

Who would you rather be?

xoxo Natalie

A Good Heart These Days….

Sometimes all it takes is someone not having the decency to show some respect and treat you like a person to remind you that the things we thought were a good idea were rotten after all.

Not everyone will keep your feelings in mind when they need to the most. You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t and you can’t expect an a**hole to be anything but….no matter the thoughtful things said when nobody is around.

All these things were brought to mind as I:

  • Was walked from my job
  • Decided after 3 years to let someone in who I was afraid to allow past the wall I’d built around my feelings
  • Saw someone who could have been all of my yeses but who pushed me away and turned into all of the noes

Whilst each situation is totally different, they all came back to one thing – a good heart these days is hard to find (bless you Feargal Sharkey).

Have you ever had someone completely break your heart and yet you wish it was them who would put it back together? I battled with that feeling through each of those moments mentioned above even though I knew it wouldn’t/won’t happen. My ex workplace treated me like a pariah when I handed my resignation in, the person who I allowed in after 3 years has taken to ignoring me and the one who could’ve been all of my yeses continues to exist on a different planet to me where I’m but a mere tumbleweed in the background.

I’ve come to terms with the thought that I don’t hate those who have broken my heart, I don’t think I ever could. I’m disappointed and hurt and can’t comprehend some of what happened, but if I spent my energy hating, the emotion would consume me and I would be broken to a point where I would be accepting less. This way I am letting go and trying to just be. I’m doing things for me, I’m keeping my heart in mind and this way it gets better…in time. I can walk away knowing I didn’t tear others down going tit for tat and I was kind to my own heart and to theirs in the process.

The ex-work drama, whilst it still burns, is easier to accept as done and dusted. The feeling of betrayal and unresolved issues has dwindled because I know there will always be another job…a better job…a more fulfilling job.

As for the 3 year itch and the yay turned to nay….that’s harder to bear. Matters of the emotional heart often linger and I think always will.

However…..when you give your heart to a boy…more than likely he will crush it…why???

The difference between a boy and a man:

A man will look what he is facing in the eye. He won’t shy away from a challenge and he approaches what he wants head on. He’s willing to pick up the pieces and try and fix what may be broken. He’s not afraid because he’s secure in himself.

A boy will run and hide. He will take a crayon out of the box and press it so hard while he colors that he breaks it. He’ll then toss the crayon aside because he thinks it’s no use to him anymore.

If some boy has broken you, don’t despair. Always remember, broken crayons still color the same. A boy just doesn’t appreciate that the broken parts of us are what make us who we are. Never let some boy dull your vibrancy. He doesn’t know what he’s holding in his hands because he doesn’t understand…he’s still unsure of himself, therefore how can he be sure of you.

xoxo Natalie

An Open Letter To All Of My Vexes

My benefit of the doubt comes in limited quantities. I’m all for forgiving and seeing the good in people but there’s a point where it runs out….it gets harder to see the silver lining. 

Imagine it’s like my favorite piece of cheesecake, I’m willing to be accommodating at first and share a slice, but if you get greedy and think it’s always available no matter how many times you take my giving for granted….you’ll more than likely end up with a fork in the back of your hand than you will a piece of cheesecake in your mouth. 

I’ve found recently that I’ve had to battle moments like this in my work and personal life. In both instances I’ve been stumped. The only thing I’ve been left with is a sense of dismissal, disappointment and loss. 

I tried to forgive, I tried to forget, I tried to understand, all to no avail. 

It did get me thinking though…..

There’s only so much rejection a person can take:
Being made to feel unwanted.

Being made to feel unattractive. 

Being made to feel unwelcome. 

Being made to feel unneeded.

Being made to feel unaccomplished.

It begins to feel never-ending. 

Whether intentional or accidental, it’s heartbreaking.

You can be the strongest person & will probably continue to be a strong person, but it doesn’t mean you’re immune to the hurt.

And even though the hurt is like sandpaper and it polishes you to be a more resilient brilliant version of yourself, it still scratches parts of you away. 

The best thing you can do when facing your vexes is try and be the finest version of yourself that you can be. Because sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. 

It is intimidating when you’re in a dark place, you feel like you’ve been buried…the truth is you’ve been planted. Learn from what’s happened. Grow. Don’t let the things that vex you stunt your growth. 


xoxo Natalie

The New Normal

Over the weekend I had an experience which was basically an excerpt from Anjelah Johnson’s nail salon comedy routine. It started as innocently as me dropping by our local nail salon to pick my mum up after her appointment and it ended in a judgemental interrogation as to why I “no have boyfriend.”

Now usually I am pretty tolerant of the questions asked and will smile and say “no I don’t have any news” (because asking if I have any news is the staff’s ‘polite’ way of asking if I am in a relationship), but this time the judgement was so rude and blatant it took all I could muster to simply reply “no news” tight-lipped and then look down at my phone where I was busy hunting Pokemon….because priorities!

The reason why it bothered me so much this time is that it had come off of the back of some ignorant comments made by other people and so I had hit my limit.

I think the one comment that took the cake in this series of judgey quips about my single status was “well she must be a lesbian.”
Imagine my face as this emoji here ccbf360599cfe1cdfe5b82b8b0e4f7eb

When I heard that gem I didn’t know whether to laugh at how obtuse the person was or whether to be angry that they could be so misinformed and completely ignorant, especially since a persons sexuality shouldn’t even be a factor or considered an issue.

But when it comes to people like that, there is no point trying to reason with them or their way of thinking because if you tried to explain that there are more factors at play than just pointing at someone, claiming MINE and viola! no longer single, they still wouldn’t get it.

I have friends in the same boat and let me put it this way, there are a list of reasons why we haven’t found ‘the one’ and some of them are:

  • Not settling for just anyone or anything
  • Having standards
  • Work/Life balance is out of whack
  • Having your guard up after being hurt before
  • Having responsibilities which outweigh the pursuit of a partner
  • It’s just not the right time
  • You are just happy living your life

I know for me it’s hard enough finding friends these days who can accept and understand that sometimes a person has responsibilities which means not dropping everything to do what their friends want or expect, so can you imagine how hard it is to try to find a guy mature enough to acknowledge and accept that also.

The majority of my time is split between work and helping care for my grandfather. Because that doesn’t fit the expectations of others and what they want, often this leads to people distancing themselves and it probably doesn’t help that I can’t be bothered explaining myself anymore because there’s only so many times you can reassure a person of a situation that isn’t in your control. I’ve accepted that some people find it easier to walk away and in turn I value the people in my life who do understand and realise that sometimes we sacrifice the things we want for the good of others….because we aren’t always dealt the hand we want.

So to the judgemental f*ckers out there who think there is something wrong with single folk and feel the need to hound them, just because someone doesn’t fit into societies preconceived notions of what is normal, that doesn’t mean anything is out of order.
Nobodies timeline has to fit anyone else’s expectations, not even the persons own.
What is meant to be will be.
No amount of pushing, questioning or wishing can change things if it’s not the right time.

A relationship status doesn’t define a person and not having a significant other doesn’t mean you are without. A single person is not without because they have themselves and that is the best cheer squad you could ask for.

xoxo Natalie

Sugar And Spice And All Things Ice

That’s what people are made of….

It’s become more apparent to me the older I get, that unless you live a fairly solitary life, drama will follow you wherever you go. You think you’ve left it behind in high school, you think you walked away from it in college, but really it hangs over you like a cloud wherever you interact with others, because let’s face it…there’s always something that’s going to spark the flare.

I know I’ve become less and less social this past year. I’ve become less likely to go out every weekend or spontaneously drop everything to do something crazy. It’s pretty apparent when you look at my social media and realize I went from regularly posting group pictures from outings, to mainly selfies and food shots because I just don’t socialize like I used to. These days if I want to see or do something, I take myself to do those things.

Now that’s not due to anything directly occurring to me to force me to walk away from people, I made the step back due to work commitments and family matters. Yet despite the lack of social interaction, drama still sprinkles it’s sh*tstorm on my welcome mat.

When I look at all aspects of my life, they have all been tainted and the places where I used to find happiness just don’t fulfill that feeling anymore.
Home life has been tainted by illness which is something that cannot be helped and saddens me.
Work has been tainted by toxicity and stress which has been impacting my well being and then my personal life seems to be a roller coaster whether I’ve wanted it to be or not.

Why? Because no matter how much you pull back and no matter how diplomatic you try to be, a word will be twisted, a feeling will be hurt, an action will bruise the heart and chaos ensues. And sometimes no matter how much you explain, no matter whether you are involved or not, the drama will brew till you end up on it’s bed of quicksand with no way out.

In any instance of conflict though, there are three sides to every story: your side, their side and the truth.

So I try and tell myself; you’ve got good and bad people everywhere. Half the time you don’t know the true nature of the people you encounter. It shouldn’t mean you stop living your best life.

So yes, things won’t be easy and sometimes you gotta wade through a pile of sh*t to get through to the other side to better things. But don’t let it stop you from putting yourself out there.

I’d like to think there is more good in the world to outweigh the bad.
I’d rather have hope than nothing at all….and lately…..even though it’s felt like nothing at all….I will still perservere.

xoxo Natalie

Agree To Disagree

The concept that not everyone is going to agree with you is so difficult for some.
Instead of just accepting that another has a different view, opinion or idea, it’s instantly turned into an argument because if you’re not agreeable, you’re wrong.
It baffles me that a person can have such a necessity to thrive off conflict.
Instead of encouraging discussion, being so one sided encourages dictation and alienation. And to be pretty blunt, it kinda gives you automatic d*ck status.

I’m all for having an opinion and oh boy can I be an opinionated jerk myself.
However, I would never make someone feel bad for what they like or what they are passionate about because if it matters to them, they should be able to have their joy without someone pooping all over it.

I don’t think the world would be half as interesting if we all beat down the people we knew till they agreed to love everything and only everything we love.
Diversity and multiple interests is what makes a community thrive!
It also gives us a chance to learn about things we never thought about or encountered.

And I’m sorry, if every gal pal of mine had the same interests as me, it would make my chances of making Travis Fimmel, Jared Leto, Ryan Guzman and Tyler Hoechlin fall in love with me exponentially more difficult and I just can’t have that ;o)

xoxo Natalie

Judgement Is Mine

For someone’s judgement to be valid, they need to be valued.
Without the relevance of respect, their judgement simply becomes another opinion.

It holds no weight.

I think a lot of us forget this when another stamps their feet and claims to judge us for our actions.
We hear the word judgement and instantly we feel belittled and less of worth, regardless of whether the viewpoint is correct or not.
But anything said with enough conviction becomes believable, even a misguided assumption.

All of us look up at the same stars and see such different things.
This is what makes us unique and what diversifies us and our life experiences.
By all means we are not all going to see eye to eye, but we also shouldn’t expect to point out other people’s sins and instantly be labelled a saint.
This doesn’t make you a decent person.
It doesn’t even make the other person’s actions a wrong thing.
It just points out what you disagree with.

I think if we spent more time communicating to understand instead of just listening to reply, things would be a lot different.

I believe we are accountable for ourselves.
This might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I feel we should be able to navigate our own compass without the need for finding validation and approval in others.
It’s not an easy feat and it can be very difficult to stand on your own, but it’s better to stand for something than fall for anything, especially another’s misconception of who you are.

xoxo Natalie