A Birthday Wish For Me

Today I turn another year older and I say goodbye to one of the most challenging years of my life.

I learnt a lesson for the third time with the same person and realised that some people just don’t have the best intentions for your heart. 

I resigned from a job that was a significant yet stagnant portion of my life for ten years and it walked me right out the door which was heartbreaking and disrespectful. 

I also had the struggles of watching things go badly with my grandparents health. There’s a certain numbness you feel when there’s nothing you can do and all you can do is get up each day and keep going because you don’t know what’s around the corner. 

Yet despite these things which made my 34th year a not so great time to remember, I also made choices which while difficult, were right. 

I was careful with who I shared my time, my voice and my thoughts. I withdrew where necessary and spoke up where needed. And even though there were times things felt hopeless and I couldn’t see the light, I never stopped believing that there was some magic in the air every now and then. 

I believed this when I connected with people who surprised me, who I didn’t know at all, but who let me in and loved me. I believed this when I held the strongest hands and had eyes I wish were mine, look so far beyond the surface it killed me to walk away. And I believed this when I had the kindest words uttered to me and knew I deserved more. 

So that’s what being 35 is going to be. 

It’s going to me more. 

It’s going to be better. 

It’s going to be enough. 

It’s going to be the year I keep believing. 

It’s going to be me being all I can be. 

It’s going to BE…..

xoxo Natalie 

Dear 13 Year Old Me

There are so many things I want to say to you. I wish I could go back in time and hand you this letter because I want you to know things won’t always be bad.
I want you to be prepared.
I want you to know you have a chance.

The people who are currently your world….they won’t be in the future.
And that’s ok.
They chose their way and you chose yours. You stood alone and you were and are true to yourself. You didn’t do the expected things, you didn’t become like everyone else. Be proud of that because trust me honey, you and pack mentality do not mix!
Your individuality and independence will be one of your best attributes. Embrace it.

Always remember what Oscar Wilde said: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

As for that family member who always pokes your stomach and calls you Miss Piggy, they don’t do that anymore. They don’t do it because they can’t. All that puppy fat and all that teasing goes away because at 18, girl you changed! You turned into a beautiful woman and shed all those puberty blues. So pay no heed to the a**hole who really should look in the mirror.

I know he’s breaking you but he won’t win.

I also know you had a plan for how your life would turn out. I know you wanted to fall in love and get married and have a family of your own and you put such high hopes into that dream. I know you gave yourself a timeline. You wanted all of that by 30.
Wow….30….
It almost turned out that way but fate had other ideas.
Well….actually…he had other ideas.
See, you’ll meet ‘the one’. You’ll be in your mid twenties and you will love him more than you have ever loved anyone. He will be your everything. There’ll be talks of the future and everything will feel perfect. But he won’t love you like you love him…..
He will shatter your heart the day he walks away. And as incomplete and worthless as you’ll feel for some time, you will survive.

You will learn that sometimes the plans we make don’t turn out and maybe they don’t work out for good reason.

Have faith.

You will face hurdles, you will carry burdens and you will feel lost.
But there will be laughter, there will be amazing opportunities and most importantly you will have many adventures.

Try and remember your fears are only in your head. Your head seems to be your worst enemy. Try and squash that voice telling you you can’t, because I know if there is anyone on this earth who can do anything, it is you.

You are strong.
You are resilient.
You are fierce.

So keep writing in your notebook. Put all those emotions on paper. They are your story. They are your salvation.

Until we meet again, remember I love you, I wish you well and you’re not alone….

I got you…..

xoxo Natalie