CTRL + ALT + DEL

I recently took a break from social media.

Technically I’m still on this break but a few experiences I’ve had whilst keeping myself on the social media down low have got me thinking and even taking action.

I decided to minimize my use of social due to having some major things going on in my family life. I won’t explain or divulge what these things are, purely because my family is my business, and if you hadn’t noticed my absence or lack of interactions of late and asked if I’m okay, then you really don’t need to know because simply, you don’t care 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t been posting at the rate I normally do and I don’t check my social media feeds as much. I’ve been too exhausted in the real world to deal with the virtual world.

What I found though, was that only a select few people noticed it was out of character for me to be so absent and they reached out to check in and even offered a helping hand if things became too much to handle. I was grateful for this and it made me appreciate these friendships more ♥️

The flip side of this though is being taught who my surface friends are. The ones who want to show up for a good time only and don’t actually have any investment in me or our friendship. I have no qualms with surface friends in general, we all have them and they’re fun to be around, but I do have qualms with people who shout from rooftops they love me and have my best interest at heart, but don’t pick up the phone to text or call to see if I’m okay since I’ve basically gone MIA.

In turn, I’ve become a bit savage in my approach to my social media going forward. An example of this is last night, for the first time in a month, I posted something to social because it was the anniversary of one of the happiest points in my life. Anyone who knows me well knows what that period meant to me and how it touched me.

Well, one person decided to make a remark that, to put it simply, offended me.

It doesn’t matter what they said, but it proved that if this person knew me even remotely, they wouldn’t have sought cruel humor in a situation that was clearly very dear to me, especially during a difficult time.

So to cut a long story short, I deleted the comment and I deleted them.

Why? You may ask.

Seems a bit rash?

The older I get, I’ve become less tolerant of behaviors I don’t want to be exposed to and if you only pop up in my life when you need something or to make a jibe at my expense, Bye Felicia! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I don’t want to be that person who writes essays for someone who can’t even string two sentences together for me. I don’t want to be that person who lets someone be disrespectful and continue to have access to me and my life. And I certainly don’t want to be that person who cultivates relationships that really aren’t good for me.

So I’m taking the CTRL + ALT + DEL approach.

I’m taking control of what I want.

I’m altering my focus and in turn, hoping those who maybe weren’t so thoughtful or nice in the past can alter their behavior.

And if in turn these things I want to alter only bring me negativity and pain; delete.

Remember that detachment isn’t selfish when rooted in self care. Every single one of us is worthy of everything good in life and we all deserve to be happy. This sometimes means letting go.

xoxo Natalie

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Bumbling Idiots

Recently I saw some friends tweeting about using the dating app Bumble and I thought hmmmm…let’s see what all this fuss is about.

After a very short and not so pleasant experience on Tinder, I steered clear of online dating in any form because it seriously felt like all these outlets were where dating goes to die.

I looked into Bumble and I liked that the premise of it was to give the women using the app the control over making contact. This simple perk gave the app a friendlier and safer feel and so I thought f**k it! I’ma try it!

Now I’m going to give you a no holds barred account of what my reactions were my first three weeks on Bumble. I warn you, if you are easily offended, don’t read ahead. I’m about to get pretty sassy about the experience. Please note this is purely based on my participation only, so don’t be all mad if I say something you don’t like because let’s be real, I probably will 💁🏼‍♀️

Okay…..here we go!

Firstly, for the love of all things holy, stop putting fake education on your profile. Are you 12? You didn’t go to Harvard. You didn’t go to Princeton. I think you’re lucky if you find your way to your own backyard. D*ck move.

Speaking of fake, some a y’all mother f*ckers are not 30. So you 50 year old sh*t bags having a mid life crisis need to man up, let it go, and own who you really are. D*ck move pops.

Now for a taste of the creepy. Stop putting up one picture and each consecutive picture is just a zoom in of the previous one. You look like a serial killer from a horror movie when you hear DUH DUN and the camera zooms right in on the killers face. You have crazy eyes. D*ck move.

And whilst on the topic of pictures, posting photos of you and other people and pixelating them out or scribbling over their faces like you’re putting a hex on them makes for a weird first impression. Like were you trying to cast a spell on your ex but your wizardly sorcery backfired into sh*t photoshop instead?!?! Guess what…..d*ck move 💁🏼‍♀️

Ohhhhh and now for my favorite! Don’t swipe right on someone, match up coz they swiped right too, then when they message your stupid ass, don’t bother replying. If you can’t speak to someone like a normal human being to get to know them and expect every girl to be a one trick Ho-ny and kick off with “You’re hot. Let’s ****.”, you’re on the wrong app. D*ck move f*ckboy.

It’s supposed to be a safe space for women to feel more in control and not pressured. The amount of guys on there who have a misogynistic bio poking fun at that fact is pretty gross. For once on these dating apps, a woman has the power. Those with these bios are obliterating everything that makes it a safer friendlier space by devaluing that. D*ck. Move.

And now to the story of this one guy who I matched with who actually responds to me. He gives me the equivalent of cave man one word answers, which I forgive because he is pretty and he has a dog. Then he goes quiet for a week after I’ve asked questions about what he’s told me to show I’m paying attention and I’m interested and the jerk unmatches me. It’s actually sad that these days so many people are incapable of getting to know someone? So Dear Jamie from within 8km of me 👏🏼 D*ck 👏🏼 move 👏🏼 and GFY 💁🏼‍♀️

All in all I’ve found that despite this app being advertised as a feminist twist on Tinder and that it’s a friendlier environment, it’s kinda not. The expectation is still to match with someone and basically throw yourself at them like you’re a piece of meat. Guys expect girls to engage conversations by offering themselves up and there is such a stigma against actually attempting to get to know someone. God forbid you say Hello and ask how someone is because you’re instantly labeled boring. Sorry but I’m not keen on giving some rando my phone number and private social media to skip the effort of getting to know them, no matter how cute he is or how much I’d hypothetically climb him like a tree.

So thanks for the interesting adventure Bumble. It was a laugh and I’ve seen things I can’t unsee, but to be honest, the best thing that came out of my three week bender was this:

Here’s to meeting people the old fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgement 😂

xoxo Natalie

Under Construction

I’ve always been a private person.
I don’t air my problems or talk openly about the things causing me grief. I never have and I don’t think I ever will. I know some people find comfort in sharing but for me it is the opposite.

However, just because I don’t openly talk about it doesn’t mean these issues don’t exist and I am therefore devoid of all troubles so can make way for taking on the troubles of others. I am tired and I am spent and to be completely honest I have no energy for it some days.

Maybe that makes me a sh*tty person, but in all honesty I think it makes me human.
I’m not saying I won’t be there for others, but some days I have enough on my own plate that is draining enough, that I can’t detach myself from it and ignore my own feelings to protect someone else’s. In a perfect world I would love for there to be a happy medium, but sometimes the scales tip in the wrong direction.
Hopefully one day I will have someone I can tell anything to without fear of judgement or opinion or the necessity to turn my situation into something about them. Until then, I will avoid the “Don’t do that again” and the “You know you should” and especially the “You know I….” And more than anything I will avoid that there are some who revel in others misfortune. I don’t want that for myself and I would never wish it upon anyone else. Nobody deserves that.

All of us have troubles.
All of us sin.
All of us make mistakes.
All of us don’t always shine in our best light and most of all, all of us have things go wrong in life that completely derail us.
We do these things and have these things happen in different shades of grey.
Nobody is pure. Nobody is perfect. And nobody is without fault.
We all make mistakes. We all do things we should not be proud of. We all stumble and fall along the way and we all end up with obstacles in front of us that cause heartache or frustration.

What we should do for ourselves though is be accountable for the things we do. We should know when we are crossing that fine line or when we are creating our own thunderstorms. It’s shouldn’t be someone getting on their soapbox making you feel less than because in their eyes you’re no good. I bet real soon those roles could be reversed. We all have our own moral compass and our own set of values and not everyone’s opinion on these things will align. Nor should they.

Moral high ground is having roadwork completed. It’s being able to have that path you’re on tarred over to create a freeway because everything is perfect and sound and there’s nothing you need to work on. You’re free.
Truth of the matter though is we are never truly free. We are never going to be perfect enough to have that freeway or to have that roadwork complete because we will stumble, we will fall and we will crack and we will always have things within ourselves and within our lives to work on.

To err is to be human and oh boy am I human….and so are you.
Some people just forget that from time to time.

xoxo Natalie

If you didn’t tweet it, did it really happen?

Recently I heard from someone I had lost touch with some years ago. I met her when she was around 18 and we became fast friends and were super close. I used to help sneak her out of the house so she could go out (bad Nat!) and we’d go clubbing and have laughs and it was such fun times. She disappeared from my life for a while and even though I wasn’t sure why, I let it be. I realised she needed space or time or she stepped away to grow and so I gave her that space. I didn’t hate her for it or feel like it was aimed at me, I just knew that it was her time to do for her what she needed to.

Hearing from her out of the blue was nice. It was like all those years not talking, not being connected on social media and not seeing each other never happened. Even though we didn’t delve into anything too personal, it was nice to catch up and to find out she was okay. She’s happy and healthy and looking wonderful and I’m happy for her and the woman she’s become.

In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t make her absence from my life about me because if I did, I’m sure my feelings towards her and the distance would have been different. I took the time to think about it and I am glad I didn’t encourage any negative feelings because I don’t want to be consumed with those kind of thoughts…period.

It got me thinking on the reactions I have received to social decisions I have made over the past year, whether it be limiting what I post online or removing myself from certain groups or just not sharing much about myself at all at times and I realised people weren’t looking at my decisions from my perspective but from their own and some had gotten quite pissed at me for it.

At the end of the day, a persons decisions are theirs and they make them for them. Sometimes people need to do things for their own health, well being and mental space.
Let them be.
It’s why I made the decisions I did and it’s why I continue to make them. I won’t cultivate myself in any environment that brings out qualities in me that I don’t like. Distancing myself from what brings out the worst in me is going to bring a happier and more positive future my way. If doing that makes you pissed at me, well……..*shrugs*

A very good friend of mine told me a story from before he knew me, about how he disabled his Facebook account because he needed a break from it and for months nobody noticed. Nobody said a single thing until the day someone went actively looking for him on there to ask a favour.
Not to check in.
Not to see if he was okay.
But to ask him for something.

That person, when discovering they couldn’t contact him on there, proceeded to attack him via messages because they were offended he ‘blocked’ them and it was all about how they had been hard done by. The hilarity of the assumption had my friend bluntly tell this person that they didn’t notice his absence until they needed something and instead of asking what was actually going on with his Facebook, making the assumption of it being all about them was easier. He pointed out that in the grand scheme of things, his absence from Facebook really wasn’t missed, so how was it truly so bad when they didn’t care prior to them needing something.

Long story short, this person made a situation that had nothing to do with them about them and proved my friends point exactly – well the outburst they had certainly did.

People get so worked up over the world of social media and truth is 80% of my life I don’t post or comment about on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat because it’s nobodies business. Plus the thought of anyone reveling in my misfortunes, hard times or scandals has certainly made me a more private person, and some of my scandals are juicy AF! (note to self: you could write a book)

When it comes down to it, being true to yourself and the person you want to be doesn’t always make you friends or help you keep them but it does help you keep the right ones. It also makes you feel better within your skin because you are being who you want to be, not what someone else needs you to be.

Being truly happy and surrounding yourself with what and who makes you a better person is the best end game. It’s what I am working towards.
It isn’t an easy road, but it is worth the trek.
Find you and you will find your happy….the rest is just details.

xoxo Natalie

Heart Songs & Soul Serenades

I’m embarking on a project that completely takes me out of my comfort zone. 

Ever since I can remember I have been writing and a big part of that creative outlet was poetry. I never dared tell a soul I wrote it because to show it to anyone would mean showing them parts of me and parts of those who inspired the work. Real bare raw parts that I was always too afraid to let out. It would have been like handing over the key to my diary and saying “Have at it.”

Well….I decided to face that fear. 

I’m publishing on Wattpad (and Tablo in the near future) a selection of poems, and if all goes well, I will continue with another volume or two. I’ve also created a platform on Instagram where I will share as well. 

I hope those who choose to read them find them relatable, and if not, can at least appreciate the creative outlet. 

So here is the link to the first volume of Heart Songs & Soul Serenades

If you wish to follow along on Instagram, you can do so by following the account misssisyphus. 

Here’s to taking the leap….

xoxo Natalie 

Letters I’ll Never Send

30 seconds. 

It took 30 seconds for me to go from adoring you to hating you. 

30 f**king seconds. 

Will I hate you tomorrow?

I don’t know…..

Maybe. 

You know what….

Probably not. 

But right now…right now I do. 

Because right now I’m angry and anger burns and in my rage I’m ready to burn you down with me. 

You see, you handed me this burden. You wrapped it up and packaged it and gave it to me and I carry it alone. It wasn’t mine to keep. It was supposed to be ours but you left it in my care and carried on like I and the thing I held didn’t exist. 

What I can’t reconcile though is how you can just keep going without thinking I’ll set it free. Is my respect for you that obvious that you know I’d never let it go to fall and shatter? 

Shame you can’t appreciate that I’m doing this for you. Well….it feels like you don’t. And trust me, on days like today it is taking all that I am to not shout it out. 

I know I’m trustworthy and I know I’m strong, but I’m human and I break and I hurt and your half that I’m carrying is taking it’s toll. 

This isn’t a game of finders keepers where I drew the short straw so now I’m stuck with what I found. You chose to share this with me and sharing means having something equally.

I’m fiercely loyal to those I care about and so in sharing what you did, I’m ensuring it remains with me because loyalty means protection. Yet here you are treating me like you would treat those I’m protecting you from, like I don’t exist. Trust goes both ways and I trusted you would treat me better. I didn’t think that meant shutting me out. 

Do you know how hard it is to be asked “How come you guys aren’t keeping in touch? I thought you were friends. What happened?”

What am I supposed to say?

Do I say you’re a liar and I believe nothing that has or will come out of your mouth because you promised and said so much and then took it back after the fact because it was easier for you. 

Will I say that though?

No. 

Because as much as I may want to, I don’t believe you are that way. 

30 f**king seconds!

F**k!

I know this is all my anger talking and I know when angry we make speeches we will later regret, but I think in this instance I need to be heard. I can’t pretend like how I’m feeling is okay. Because it’s not. 

I thought so much of you. 

I can’t lie…I still do. 

You are different, you are good and you are everything that so many of us want in a friend. 

What happened to that person I know?

How come the opposite is what I get now?

I guess I’ll never know. 

I never wanted anything from you. I don’t expect anything. All I’d hoped for was that spark of friendship to remain. 

But that’s in your hands now. I guess that’s what you carry. 

30 seconds. 

30 seconds was all it took for me to feel so differently. 

And 30 seconds is all it’s taken for me to take it back. 

Guess neither of us is good at sticking to our guns. 

I can’t hate you. 

I never could. 

It’s just easier to be angry than admit you are hurt. 

But I’ll be okay.

One day, maybe we’ll meet again. Maybe we’ll talk. 

Hopefully for more than 30 seconds….

xoxo Natalie 

A Birthday Wish For Me

Today I turn another year older and I say goodbye to one of the most challenging years of my life.

I learnt a lesson for the third time with the same person and realised that some people just don’t have the best intentions for your heart. 

I resigned from a job that was a significant yet stagnant portion of my life for ten years and it walked me right out the door which was heartbreaking and disrespectful. 

I also had the struggles of watching things go badly with my grandparents health. There’s a certain numbness you feel when there’s nothing you can do and all you can do is get up each day and keep going because you don’t know what’s around the corner. 

Yet despite these things which made my 34th year a not so great time to remember, I also made choices which while difficult, were right. 

I was careful with who I shared my time, my voice and my thoughts. I withdrew where necessary and spoke up where needed. And even though there were times things felt hopeless and I couldn’t see the light, I never stopped believing that there was some magic in the air every now and then. 

I believed this when I connected with people who surprised me, who I didn’t know at all, but who let me in and loved me. I believed this when I held the strongest hands and had eyes I wish were mine, look so far beyond the surface it killed me to walk away. And I believed this when I had the kindest words uttered to me and knew I deserved more. 

So that’s what being 35 is going to be. 

It’s going to me more. 

It’s going to be better. 

It’s going to be enough. 

It’s going to be the year I keep believing. 

It’s going to be me being all I can be. 

It’s going to BE…..

xoxo Natalie 

It’s None of my Business

I don’t concern myself with choices other people make. What I do concern myself with is the health and wellbeing of my family. With the plans I’m making for my future. With my goals, my dreams and my choices. With what is right for me. 

If someone makes a choice that doesn’t directly effect me or I’m not bothered even if it does, it shouldn’t be a concern or any of my business. I hope whatever another chooses is best for them and I wish them luck, but I won’t involve myself or give a voice to what they feel they need to do. 

A sign of maturity is walking away without having to drop a lit match on your way out. 

Let people do what they want. Let them make mistakes. Let them make life changing choices. Whether right or wrong it is their journey. Never stand in the way. 

Please note this is in relation to people I would encounter day to day. This isn’t in regards to big worldwide issues. I don’t want anyone confusing what it is I’m expressing here. It’s just a thought I had when encountering an action taken by an individual and realizing it’s not my business and at the end of the day I have my own responsibilities to concern myself with. 


xoxo Natalie 

Thought of the day…

‪If your generosity comes with a price tag, you don’t understand the purpose of giving.
It is selfless, not selfish.
It is paid in thanks & that is reward enough.
When you start expecting more, that is when what you are doing becomes about your gain and not what you can do to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Generosity isn’t about power.
Generosity is about giving hope & comfort & strength to someone else.
It is from a place of love, not from a place driven by motive.
It is safe & it is pure.

You don’t have to be rich to be generous, you just need to understand that it stems from the heart.

“The heart that gives, gathers.” – Tao Te Ching

xoxo Natalie

Birthday…ixnay on the appyhay

Growing up I remember the countdown to my birthday being this huge novelty. It was so exciting and fun and I just couldn’t wait to become that one year older. I don’t have that feeling anymore. 

And not because of aging, but because there seems to be a lack of reason to celebrate. 

Last year I cancelled my birthday. I basically treated it like it didn’t exist. I was nursing a broken heart, so as it was it wasn’t off to a good start, and when left with the prospect of choosing something to do in celebration of it, I realised my idea of fun and what would make my heart happy was not something those in my life would indulge me in. 

So I chose not to acknowledge that I turned 34 at all. 
Now I’m about to turn 35. 

And what….

Has anything changed. 

I guess my attitude has changed. This year I’m being positive. I’m actually organizing an outing with friends. I figure if I put good vibes out into the universe maybe this year will grace me with some love and light. But I’m not putting all my eggs into the happy basket. Why?

You see over the years I’ve learnt that sometimes the one thing that gives you the most happiness actually is the same thing that hurts you the most. It hurts because you invest all that you feel in it. You give your everything and you put all your hope out there that it’s going to be all you wished for and more because you want to believe that for a sliver of time things will be perfect. 

But they rarely are and that’s normal because what is perfect anyways?

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m just going to accept the day and this new year of life as it comes. I won’t place expectations on it. Instead I’ll just have a little faith…that maybe…somewhere along the way…there’ll be some magic in the air and I’ll get that sliver of perfect when I least expect it.

xoxo Natalie