Heart Songs & Soul Serenades

I’m embarking on a project that completely takes me out of my comfort zone. 

Ever since I can remember I have been writing and a big part of that creative outlet was poetry. I never dared tell a soul I wrote it because to show it to anyone would mean showing them parts of me and parts of those who inspired the work. Real bare raw parts that I was always too afraid to let out. It would have been like handing over the key to my diary and saying “Have at it.”

Well….I decided to face that fear. 

I’m publishing on Wattpad (and Tablo in the near future) a selection of poems, and if all goes well, I will continue with another volume or two. I’ve also created a platform on Instagram where I will share as well. 

I hope those who choose to read them find them relatable, and if not, can at least appreciate the creative outlet. 

So here is the link to the first volume of Heart Songs & Soul Serenades

If you wish to follow along on Instagram, you can do so by following the account misssisyphus. 

Here’s to taking the leap….

xoxo Natalie 

Letters I’ll Never Send

30 seconds. 

It took 30 seconds for me to go from adoring you to hating you. 

30 f**king seconds. 

Will I hate you tomorrow?

I don’t know…..

Maybe. 

You know what….

Probably not. 

But right now…right now I do. 

Because right now I’m angry and anger burns and in my rage I’m ready to burn you down with me. 

You see, you handed me this burden. You wrapped it up and packaged it and gave it to me and I carry it alone. It wasn’t mine to keep. It was supposed to be ours but you left it in my care and carried on like I and the thing I held didn’t exist. 

What I can’t reconcile though is how you can just keep going without thinking I’ll set it free. Is my respect for you that obvious that you know I’d never let it go to fall and shatter? 

Shame you can’t appreciate that I’m doing this for you. Well….it feels like you don’t. And trust me, on days like today it is taking all that I am to not shout it out. 

I know I’m trustworthy and I know I’m strong, but I’m human and I break and I hurt and your half that I’m carrying is taking it’s toll. 

This isn’t a game of finders keepers where I drew the short straw so now I’m stuck with what I found. You chose to share this with me and sharing means having something equally.

I’m fiercely loyal to those I care about and so in sharing what you did, I’m ensuring it remains with me because loyalty means protection. Yet here you are treating me like you would treat those I’m protecting you from, like I don’t exist. Trust goes both ways and I trusted you would treat me better. I didn’t think that meant shutting me out. 

Do you know how hard it is to be asked “How come you guys aren’t keeping in touch? I thought you were friends. What happened?”

What am I supposed to say?

Do I say you’re a liar and I believe nothing that has or will come out of your mouth because you promised and said so much and then took it back after the fact because it was easier for you. 

Will I say that though?

No. 

Because as much as I may want to, I don’t believe you are that way. 

30 f**king seconds!

F**k!

I know this is all my anger talking and I know when angry we make speeches we will later regret, but I think in this instance I need to be heard. I can’t pretend like how I’m feeling is okay. Because it’s not. 

I thought so much of you. 

I can’t lie…I still do. 

You are different, you are good and you are everything that so many of us want in a friend. 

What happened to that person I know?

How come the opposite is what I get now?

I guess I’ll never know. 

I never wanted anything from you. I don’t expect anything. All I’d hoped for was that spark of friendship to remain. 

But that’s in your hands now. I guess that’s what you carry. 

30 seconds. 

30 seconds was all it took for me to feel so differently. 

And 30 seconds is all it’s taken for me to take it back. 

Guess neither of us is good at sticking to our guns. 

I can’t hate you. 

I never could. 

It’s just easier to be angry than admit you are hurt. 

But I’ll be okay.

One day, maybe we’ll meet again. Maybe we’ll talk. 

Hopefully for more than 30 seconds….

xoxo Natalie 

A Birthday Wish For Me

Today I turn another year older and I say goodbye to one of the most challenging years of my life.

I learnt a lesson for the third time with the same person and realised that some people just don’t have the best intentions for your heart. 

I resigned from a job that was a significant yet stagnant portion of my life for ten years and it walked me right out the door which was heartbreaking and disrespectful. 

I also had the struggles of watching things go badly with my grandparents health. There’s a certain numbness you feel when there’s nothing you can do and all you can do is get up each day and keep going because you don’t know what’s around the corner. 

Yet despite these things which made my 34th year a not so great time to remember, I also made choices which while difficult, were right. 

I was careful with who I shared my time, my voice and my thoughts. I withdrew where necessary and spoke up where needed. And even though there were times things felt hopeless and I couldn’t see the light, I never stopped believing that there was some magic in the air every now and then. 

I believed this when I connected with people who surprised me, who I didn’t know at all, but who let me in and loved me. I believed this when I held the strongest hands and had eyes I wish were mine, look so far beyond the surface it killed me to walk away. And I believed this when I had the kindest words uttered to me and knew I deserved more. 

So that’s what being 35 is going to be. 

It’s going to me more. 

It’s going to be better. 

It’s going to be enough. 

It’s going to be the year I keep believing. 

It’s going to be me being all I can be. 

It’s going to BE…..

xoxo Natalie 

It’s None of my Business

I don’t concern myself with choices other people make. What I do concern myself with is the health and wellbeing of my family. With the plans I’m making for my future. With my goals, my dreams and my choices. With what is right for me. 

If someone makes a choice that doesn’t directly effect me or I’m not bothered even if it does, it shouldn’t be a concern or any of my business. I hope whatever another chooses is best for them and I wish them luck, but I won’t involve myself or give a voice to what they feel they need to do. 

A sign of maturity is walking away without having to drop a lit match on your way out. 

Let people do what they want. Let them make mistakes. Let them make life changing choices. Whether right or wrong it is their journey. Never stand in the way. 

Please note this is in relation to people I would encounter day to day. This isn’t in regards to big worldwide issues. I don’t want anyone confusing what it is I’m expressing here. It’s just a thought I had when encountering an action taken by an individual and realizing it’s not my business and at the end of the day I have my own responsibilities to concern myself with. 


xoxo Natalie 

Thought of the day…

‪If your generosity comes with a price tag, you don’t understand the purpose of giving.
It is selfless, not selfish.
It is paid in thanks & that is reward enough.
When you start expecting more, that is when what you are doing becomes about your gain and not what you can do to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Generosity isn’t about power.
Generosity is about giving hope & comfort & strength to someone else.
It is from a place of love, not from a place driven by motive.
It is safe & it is pure.

You don’t have to be rich to be generous, you just need to understand that it stems from the heart.

“The heart that gives, gathers.” – Tao Te Ching

xoxo Natalie

Birthday…ixnay on the appyhay

Growing up I remember the countdown to my birthday being this huge novelty. It was so exciting and fun and I just couldn’t wait to become that one year older. I don’t have that feeling anymore. 

And not because of aging, but because there seems to be a lack of reason to celebrate. 

Last year I cancelled my birthday. I basically treated it like it didn’t exist. I was nursing a broken heart, so as it was it wasn’t off to a good start, and when left with the prospect of choosing something to do in celebration of it, I realised my idea of fun and what would make my heart happy was not something those in my life would indulge me in. 

So I chose not to acknowledge that I turned 34 at all. 
Now I’m about to turn 35. 

And what….

Has anything changed. 

I guess my attitude has changed. This year I’m being positive. I’m actually organizing an outing with friends. I figure if I put good vibes out into the universe maybe this year will grace me with some love and light. But I’m not putting all my eggs into the happy basket. Why?

You see over the years I’ve learnt that sometimes the one thing that gives you the most happiness actually is the same thing that hurts you the most. It hurts because you invest all that you feel in it. You give your everything and you put all your hope out there that it’s going to be all you wished for and more because you want to believe that for a sliver of time things will be perfect. 

But they rarely are and that’s normal because what is perfect anyways?

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m just going to accept the day and this new year of life as it comes. I won’t place expectations on it. Instead I’ll just have a little faith…that maybe…somewhere along the way…there’ll be some magic in the air and I’ll get that sliver of perfect when I least expect it.

xoxo Natalie 

2016 has taught me….

That sometimes broken hearts stay broken. 

That ten years of loyalty means nothing to some people. 

That you can try and put yourself first but still come out second best. 

That waiting three years for the right time doesn’t mean the time is right or ever will be. 

That even those closest to you don’t really see you. 

That it’s ok to miss and still love those who hurt us the most. 

And that not every cloud has a silver lining, but even when it’s storming, try and dance in the rain. 

Here’s to a 2017 that is happier, brighter and lighter. May it bring the things our hearts wish for the most and I hope it’s kinder to my loved ones….it’s been a difficult twelve months. 

I’m wishing with all my might for a happier time…a time for all things right….the right time for all things yet to come…

Much love from me to you….all the best for the New Year….

xoxo Natalie 

Dear Customer…..

I am not in customer service to be abused. 

I am not in customer service to be yelled at. 

I am not in customer service to be treated incapable.

I am not in customer service for you to be aggressive towards me.

I am a person.

I am doing a job.

I am not a punching bag.

I am here to manage a store.

I am here to roster staff on to be here to assist you with your purchase.

I am here to ensure we have stock on the floor for you to buy.

I am here to ensure the store is running to the needs of head office.

I am not here to be your monkey. I will not dance.

We have a store policy, read it.

We have a customer service team, call them.

We have capable staff members, ask them.

But do not yell, do not snatch items and do not tower over us. Intimidation isn’t welcome, it isn’t right. We are here to help as best we can. We are not here to be treated less than. 

We are human.

Thank you and have a nice day….

xoxo Natalie 

On A Side Note

I was planning to do a very different kind of post, but recently I witnessed something at work for the umpteenth time and it made me begin to wonder at what point will the cycle end. 

There is someone I work with whom you have to be on eggshells around constantly. It’s not just staff members like me but senior management also who need to pander to this person because they are personally victimised by everything. And when I say everything, I mean you blink to keep your eyeballs moist and you did something wrong. 

To be honest I’m starting to feel victimised by their victimisation which I’m sure in some roundabout way they would say victimises them because they need to be the focus. All. The. Time. 

I think the reason it has begun to bother me so much is time and time again I see this person conveniently disappear when work needs to be done, they leave others high and dry in situations that require team work and they come up with any excuse to not do necessary tasks (including rehashing traumas from eons past to guilt others into saying “It’s ok, I’ll do it”).

The funny thing is on the flip side, when this person conveniently disappears and someone picks up their slack and does their work for them, they complain and complain and complain saying others “stole” their job and it isn’t fair. Yet when this person blatantly steps on others toes by taking over tasks they are not required for because the people required always show up and the same issue they complained about is raised about them or with them, everyone is a bully and a c**t and treats them like sh*t. 

Either way nobody can win. 

I’ve sat here and wondered, how do you even broach something like this with a person who can be so unreasonable. How do you even get them to take a step back and realize nobody is out to get them, everyone just wants to do their job and not have to worry that there is going to be another meltdown around the corner. 

It’s draining and exhausting and it’s getting old. 

I would love to one day have a free pass to be straight up. To be able to say “Stop!” when they are pushing everyone too far. To be able to say it clearly that not everything is about them. And to show that the more you cry wolf and claim everyone hates you when they don’t, actually creates rifts and pushes people away. 

But can you really reason with someone who believes their own lies….

A person can only put up with trying to be nice to someone and tolerate their outbursts while being slammed for so long. There does come a point where trying to be nice to keep the peace is a lost cause because it falls on deaf ears. But it is in those moments I remind myself of this…

It makes me stop and think, out of the two, who would I rather be….the person trying to be nice or the one isolating everyone. 

Who would you rather be?

xoxo Natalie

A Good Heart These Days….

Sometimes all it takes is someone not having the decency to show some respect and treat you like a person to remind you that the things we thought were a good idea were rotten after all.

Not everyone will keep your feelings in mind when they need to the most. You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t and you can’t expect an a**hole to be anything but….no matter the thoughtful things said when nobody is around.

All these things were brought to mind as I:

  • Was walked from my job
  • Decided after 3 years to let someone in who I was afraid to allow past the wall I’d built around my feelings
  • Saw someone who could have been all of my yeses but who pushed me away and turned into all of the noes

Whilst each situation is totally different, they all came back to one thing – a good heart these days is hard to find (bless you Feargal Sharkey).

Have you ever had someone completely break your heart and yet you wish it was them who would put it back together? I battled with that feeling through each of those moments mentioned above even though I knew it wouldn’t/won’t happen. My ex workplace treated me like a pariah when I handed my resignation in, the person who I allowed in after 3 years has taken to ignoring me and the one who could’ve been all of my yeses continues to exist on a different planet to me where I’m but a mere tumbleweed in the background.

I’ve come to terms with the thought that I don’t hate those who have broken my heart, I don’t think I ever could. I’m disappointed and hurt and can’t comprehend some of what happened, but if I spent my energy hating, the emotion would consume me and I would be broken to a point where I would be accepting less. This way I am letting go and trying to just be. I’m doing things for me, I’m keeping my heart in mind and this way it gets better…in time. I can walk away knowing I didn’t tear others down going tit for tat and I was kind to my own heart and to theirs in the process.

The ex-work drama, whilst it still burns, is easier to accept as done and dusted. The feeling of betrayal and unresolved issues has dwindled because I know there will always be another job…a better job…a more fulfilling job.

As for the 3 year itch and the yay turned to nay….that’s harder to bear. Matters of the emotional heart often linger and I think always will.

However…..when you give your heart to a boy…more than likely he will crush it…why???

The difference between a boy and a man:

A man will look what he is facing in the eye. He won’t shy away from a challenge and he approaches what he wants head on. He’s willing to pick up the pieces and try and fix what may be broken. He’s not afraid because he’s secure in himself.

A boy will run and hide. He will take a crayon out of the box and press it so hard while he colors that he breaks it. He’ll then toss the crayon aside because he thinks it’s no use to him anymore.

If some boy has broken you, don’t despair. Always remember, broken crayons still color the same. A boy just doesn’t appreciate that the broken parts of us are what make us who we are. Never let some boy dull your vibrancy. He doesn’t know what he’s holding in his hands because he doesn’t understand…he’s still unsure of himself, therefore how can he be sure of you.

xoxo Natalie