CTRL + ALT + DEL

I recently took a break from social media.

Technically I’m still on this break but a few experiences I’ve had whilst keeping myself on the social media down low have got me thinking and even taking action.

I decided to minimize my use of social due to having some major things going on in my family life. I won’t explain or divulge what these things are, purely because my family is my business, and if you hadn’t noticed my absence or lack of interactions of late and asked if I’m okay, then you really don’t need to know because simply, you don’t care ūü§∑ūüŹľ‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ

I haven’t been posting at the rate I normally do and I don’t check my social media feeds as much. I’ve been too exhausted in the real world to deal with the virtual world.

What I found though, was that only a select few people noticed it was out of character for me to be so absent and they reached out to check in and even offered a helping hand if things became too much to handle. I was grateful for this and it made me appreciate these friendships more ‚ô•ÔłŹ

The flip side of this though is being taught who my surface friends are. The ones who want to show up for a good time only and don’t actually have any investment in me or our friendship. I have no qualms with surface friends in general, we all have them and they’re fun to be around, but I do have qualms with people who shout from rooftops they love me and have my best interest at heart, but don’t pick up the phone to text or call to see if I’m okay since I’ve basically gone MIA.

In turn, I’ve become a bit savage in my approach to my social media going forward. An example of this is last night, for the first time in a month, I posted something to social because it was the anniversary of one of the happiest points in my life. Anyone who knows me well knows what that period meant to me and how it touched me.

Well, one person decided to make a remark that, to put it simply, offended me.

It doesn’t matter what they said, but it proved that if this person knew me even remotely, they wouldn’t have sought cruel humor in a situation that was clearly very dear to me, especially during a difficult time.

So to cut a long story short, I deleted the comment and I deleted them.

Why? You may ask.

Seems a bit rash?

The older I get, I’ve become less tolerant of behaviors I don’t want to be exposed to and if you only pop up in my life when you need something or to make a jibe at my expense, Bye Felicia! ūüôčūüŹľ‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ

I don’t want to be that person who writes essays for someone who can’t even string two sentences together for me. I don’t want to be that person who lets someone be disrespectful and continue to have access to me and my life. And I certainly don’t want to be that person who cultivates relationships that really aren’t good for me.

So I’m taking the CTRL + ALT + DEL approach.

I’m taking control of what I want.

I’m altering my focus and in turn, hoping those who maybe weren’t so thoughtful or nice in the past can alter their behavior.

And if in turn these things I want to alter only bring me negativity and pain; delete.

Remember that detachment isn’t selfish when rooted in self care. Every single one of us is worthy of everything good in life and we all deserve to be happy. This sometimes means letting go.

xoxo Natalie

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If you didn’t tweet it, did it really happen?

Recently I heard from someone I had lost touch with some years ago. I met her when she was around 18 and we became fast friends and were super close. I used to help sneak her out of the house so she could go out (bad Nat!) and we’d go clubbing and have laughs and it was such fun times.¬†She disappeared from my life for a while and even though I wasn’t sure why, I let it be. I realised she needed space or time or she stepped away to grow and so I gave her that space. I didn’t hate her for it or feel like it was aimed at me, I just knew that it was her time to do for her what she needed to.

Hearing from her out of the blue was nice. It was like all those years not talking, not being connected on social media and not seeing each other never happened. Even though we didn’t delve into anything too personal, it was nice to catch up and to find out she was okay. She’s happy and healthy and looking wonderful and I’m happy for her and the woman she’s become.

In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t make her absence from my life about me because if I did, I’m sure my feelings towards her and the distance would have been different. I took the time to think about it and I am glad I didn’t encourage any negative feelings because I don’t want to be consumed with those kind of thoughts…period.

It got me thinking on the reactions I have received to social decisions I have made over the past year, whether it be limiting what I post online or removing myself from certain groups or just not sharing much about myself at all at times and I realised people weren’t looking at my decisions from my perspective but from their own and some had gotten quite pissed at me for it.

At the end of the day, a persons decisions are theirs and they make them for them. Sometimes people need to do things for their own health, well being and mental space.
Let them be.
It’s why I made the decisions I did and it’s why I continue to make them. I won’t cultivate myself in any environment that brings out qualities in me that I don’t like. Distancing myself from what brings out the worst in me is going to bring a happier and more positive future my way. If doing that makes you pissed at me, well……..*shrugs*

A very good friend of mine told me a story from before he knew me, about how he disabled his Facebook account because he needed a break from it and for months nobody noticed. Nobody said a single thing until the day someone went actively looking for him on there to ask a favour.
Not to check in.
Not to see if he was okay.
But to ask him for something.

That person, when discovering they couldn’t contact him on there, proceeded to attack him via messages because they were offended he ‘blocked’ them and it was all about how they had been hard done by. The hilarity of the assumption had my friend bluntly tell this person that they didn’t notice his absence until they needed something and instead of asking what was actually going on with his Facebook, making the assumption of it being all about them was easier. He pointed out that in the grand scheme of things, his absence from Facebook really wasn’t missed, so how was it truly so bad when they didn’t care prior to them needing something.

Long story short, this person made a situation that had nothing to do with them about them and proved my friends point exactly – well the outburst they had certainly did.

People get so worked up over the world of social media and truth is 80% of my life I don’t post or comment about on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat because it’s nobodies business. Plus the thought of anyone reveling in my misfortunes, hard times or scandals has certainly made me a more private person, and some of my scandals are juicy AF! (note to self: you could write a book)

When it comes down to it, being true to yourself and the person you want to be doesn’t always make you friends or help you keep them but it does help you keep the right ones.¬†It also makes you feel better within your skin because you are being who you want to be, not what someone else needs you to be.

Being truly happy and surrounding yourself with what and who makes you a better person is the best end game. It’s what I am working towards.
It isn’t an easy road, but it is worth the trek.
Find you and you will find your happy….the rest is just details.

xoxo Natalie

Heart Songs & Soul Serenades

I’m embarking on a project that completely takes me out of my comfort zone. 

Ever since I can remember I have been writing and a big part of that creative outlet was poetry. I never dared tell a soul I wrote it because to show it to anyone would mean showing them parts of me and parts of those who inspired the work. Real bare raw parts that I was always too afraid to let out. It would have been like handing over the key to my diary and saying “Have at it.”

Well….I decided to face that fear. 

I’m publishing on Wattpad (and Tablo in the near future) a selection of poems, and if all goes well, I will continue with another volume or two. I’ve also created a platform on Instagram where I will share as well. 

I hope those who choose to read them find them relatable, and if not, can at least appreciate the creative outlet. 

So here is the link to the first volume of Heart Songs & Soul Serenades

If you wish to follow along on Instagram, you can do so by following the account misssisyphus. 

Here’s to taking the leap….

xoxo Natalie 

Thought of the day…

‚Ä™If your generosity comes with a price tag, you don’t understand the purpose of giving.
It is selfless, not selfish.
It is paid in thanks & that is reward enough.
When you start expecting more, that is when what you are doing becomes about your gain and not what you can do to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Generosity isn’t about power.
Generosity is about giving hope & comfort & strength to someone else.
It is from a place of love, not from a place driven by motive.
It is safe & it is pure.

You don’t have to be rich to be generous, you just need to understand that it stems from the heart.

“The heart that gives, gathers.” – Tao Te Ching

xoxo Natalie

A Good Heart These Days….

Sometimes all it takes is someone not having the decency to show some respect and treat you like a person to remind you that the things we thought were a good idea were rotten after all.

Not everyone will keep your feelings in mind when they need to the most. You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t and you can’t expect an a**hole to be anything but….no matter the thoughtful things said when nobody is around.

All these things were brought to mind as I:

  • Was walked from my job
  • Decided after 3 years to let someone in who I was afraid to allow past the wall I’d built around my feelings
  • Saw someone who could have been all of my yeses but who pushed me away and turned into all of the noes

Whilst each situation is totally different, they all came back to one thing – a good heart these days is hard to find (bless you Feargal Sharkey).

Have you ever had someone completely break your heart and yet you wish it was them who would put it back together? I battled with that feeling through each of those moments mentioned above even though I knew it wouldn’t/won’t happen. My ex workplace treated me like a pariah when I handed my resignation in, the person who I allowed in after 3 years has taken to ignoring me and the one who could’ve been all of my yeses continues to exist on a different planet to me where I’m but a mere tumbleweed in the background.

I’ve come to terms with the thought that I don’t hate those who have broken my heart, I don’t think I ever could. I’m disappointed and hurt and can’t comprehend some of what happened, but if I spent my energy hating, the emotion would consume me and I would be broken to a point where I would be accepting less. This way I am letting go and trying to just be. I’m doing things for me, I’m keeping my heart in mind and this way it gets better…in time. I can walk away knowing I didn’t tear others down going tit for tat and I was kind to my own heart and to theirs in the process.

The ex-work drama, whilst it still burns, is easier to accept as done and dusted. The feeling of betrayal and unresolved issues has dwindled because I know there will always be another job…a better job…a more fulfilling job.

As for the 3 year itch and the yay turned to nay….that’s harder to bear. Matters of the emotional heart often linger and I think always will.

However…..when you give your heart to a boy…more than likely he will crush it…why???

The difference between a boy and a man:

A man will look what he is facing in the eye. He won’t shy away from a challenge and he approaches what he wants head on. He’s willing to pick up the pieces and try and fix what may be broken. He’s not afraid because he’s secure in himself.

A boy will run and hide. He will take a crayon out of the box and press it so hard while he colors that he breaks it. He’ll then toss the crayon aside because he thinks it’s no use to him anymore.

If some boy has broken you, don’t despair. Always remember, broken crayons still color the same. A boy just doesn’t appreciate that the broken parts of us are what make us who we are. Never let some boy dull your vibrancy. He doesn’t know what he’s holding in his hands because he doesn’t understand…he’s still unsure of himself, therefore how can he be sure of you.

xoxo Natalie

The New Normal

Over the weekend I had an experience which was basically an excerpt from Anjelah Johnson’s nail salon comedy routine. It started as innocently as me dropping by our local nail salon to pick my mum up after her appointment and it ended in a judgemental interrogation as to why I “no have boyfriend.”

Now usually I am pretty tolerant of the questions asked and will smile and say “no I don’t have any news” (because asking if I have any news is the staff’s ‘polite’ way of asking if I am in a relationship), but this time the judgement was so rude and blatant it took all I could muster to simply reply “no news” tight-lipped and then look down at my phone where I was busy hunting Pokemon….because priorities!

The reason why it bothered me so much this time is that it had come off of the back of some ignorant comments made by other people and so I had hit my limit.

I think the one comment that took the cake in this series of judgey quips about my single status was “well she must be a lesbian.”
Imagine my face as this emoji here ccbf360599cfe1cdfe5b82b8b0e4f7eb

When I heard that gem I didn’t know whether to laugh¬†at how obtuse the person was or whether to be angry that they could be so misinformed and completely ignorant, especially since a persons sexuality shouldn’t even be a factor or considered an issue.

But when it comes to people like that, there is no point trying to reason with them or their way of thinking because if you tried to explain that there are more factors at play than just pointing at someone, claiming MINE and viola! no longer single, they still wouldn’t get it.

I have friends in the same boat and let me put it this way, there are a list of reasons why¬†we¬†haven’t found ‘the one’ and some of them are:

  • Not settling for just anyone or anything
  • Having standards
  • Work/Life balance is out of whack
  • Having your guard up after being hurt before
  • Having responsibilities which outweigh the pursuit of a partner
  • It’s just not the right time
  • You are¬†just happy living your life

I know for me it’s hard enough finding friends these days who can accept and understand that sometimes a person has responsibilities which means not dropping everything to do what their friends want or expect, so can you imagine how hard it is to try to find a guy mature enough to acknowledge and accept that also.

The majority of my time is split between work and helping care for my grandfather. Because that doesn’t fit the expectations of others and what they want, often this leads to people distancing themselves and it probably doesn’t help that I can’t be bothered explaining myself anymore because there’s only so many times you can reassure a person of a situation that isn’t in your¬†control.¬†I’ve accepted that some people find it easier to walk away and in turn I value the people in my life who do understand and realise that sometimes we sacrifice the things we want for the good of others….because we aren’t always dealt the hand we want.

So to the judgemental f*ckers out there who think there is something wrong with single folk and feel the need to hound them, just because someone doesn’t fit into societies preconceived notions of what is normal, that doesn’t mean anything is out of order.
Nobodies timeline has to fit anyone else’s expectations, not even the persons own.
What is meant to be will be.
No amount of pushing, questioning or wishing can change things if it’s not the right time.

A¬†relationship status doesn’t define a person and not having a significant other doesn’t mean you are without. A single person is not without because they have themselves and that is the best cheer squad you could ask for.

xoxo Natalie

Entitled Or Enlightened

I recently came across a social media post from someone I used to socialise with 13 years ago (god that makes me feel old!). I don’t really see them much anymore (if ever) and in the course of 13 years that doesn’t surprise me because people drift apart.
I have some friends I’m lucky to see once a year due to us living far from each other, but that doesn’t change the friendship because you pick up where you left off. But when you realise with some people your common values shift or you’ve grown in different directions, you recognise that¬†time has done you a favour because it is best to move on.
I read this persons post and realised exactly that.

In some ways I was a little surprised because they never came across as the type of person who would demand or expect anything from anyone, but their post said otherwise.¬†It was such a passive aggressive statement I was pretty taken aback. I couldn’t understand how the person I knew could turn into this version of themselves. The post was used as a platform to tell people if they did not support them, celebrate them and agree with them in all they say and do, you were simply¬†an enemy.

Flat out, no if’s or but’s, enemy.

Now I understand we look to others for acknowledgement and support and to be treated decently, but the worriment¬†here is that it was demanded that they be respected and unquestioningly affirmed and if you didn’t adhere you were labelled the problem.

I’m sorry but I don’t care who you are,¬†you don’t deserve to¬†make those kind of demands.
They fall flat. Hypocritically flat.

Nobody has to give you support.

Nobody has to be happy for you.

Nobody has to automatically respect you.

In the great wide world, nobody owes you a damn thing.

Nothing should be expected or demanded because the things you want you should earn. Being entitled isn’t flattering and if you constantly¬†need to find validation in others and their opinions, that’s¬†troubling.
A person should find validation¬†within themselves¬†because that’s where you need to feel worthy first.

Over time I’ve learnt¬†that the world isn’t black and white and there are many aspects to life other than what is going on in our¬†own bubble. We all have issues and obstacles we need to overcome and even though selfishly we often think our dilemma’s are greater than another’s, we need to realise that you should never compare your battles to someone else’s¬†and you should never feel your thoughts and feelings trump anyone¬†elses.

It is better to impart knowledge to someone else so they understand you than it is to just assume you have the right to have expectations of others, fair or not.

Be enlightened not entitled.

After reading that person’s post it was clear to me that:
I like being around people who realise they aren’t perfect but who strive to be a better version of themselves.
I like being around people who see the views around them, not just their own.
And I like being around people who want to discuss and listen and acknowledge they aren’t¬†always right.

But then some people won’t listen until you have nothing left to say.

xoxo Natalie

 

 

 

 

Confess

Sometimes we all need a place to be free….a place to be heard….a place where we can shed our secrets….

A place where we can do this namelessly.

A place where we are invisible but our words are not.

There will be a new vault on the Ponderlust page where these words will live [ Confess].
I will be posting them with artwork and pictures and music.
There they will be given life.
There they will be given a place to belong.

To submit, click the link below and tell me….

What is your truth?

xoxo Natalie

Please note: Submissions will be vetted prior to being uploaded to the vault. Anything deemed innapropriate which will incite negativity will not be posted. I want the vault to be a safe place. Thank you.

Sugar And Spice And All Things Ice

That’s what people are made of….

It’s become more apparent to me the older I get, that unless you live a fairly solitary life, drama will follow you wherever you go. You think you’ve left it behind in high school, you think you walked away from it in college, but really it hangs over you like a cloud wherever you interact with others, because let’s face it…there’s always something¬†that’s going to spark the flare.

I know I’ve become less and less social this past year.¬†I’ve become less likely to go out every weekend or spontaneously drop everything to do something crazy. It’s pretty apparent when you look at my social media and realize I went from regularly posting group pictures from outings, to mainly selfies and food shots because I just don’t socialize like I used to. These days if I want to see or do something, I take myself to do those things.

Now that’s not due to anything directly occurring to me to force me to walk away from people, I made the step back due to work commitments and family matters. Yet despite the lack of social interaction, drama still sprinkles it’s sh*tstorm on my welcome mat.

When I look at all aspects of my life, they have all been tainted and the places where I used to find happiness just don’t fulfill that feeling anymore.
Home life has been tainted by illness which is something that cannot be helped and saddens me.
Work has been tainted by toxicity and stress which has been impacting my well being and then my personal life seems to be a roller coaster whether I’ve wanted it to be or not.

Why? Because no matter how much you pull back and no matter how diplomatic you try to be, a word will be twisted, a feeling will be hurt, an action will bruise the heart and¬†chaos ensues.¬†And sometimes no matter how much you explain, no matter whether you are involved or not, the drama will brew till you end up on it’s bed of quicksand with no way out.

In any instance of conflict though, there are three sides to every story: your side, their side and the truth.

So I try and tell myself; you’ve got good and bad people everywhere. Half the time you don’t know the true nature of the people you encounter. It shouldn’t mean you stop living your best life.

So yes, things won’t be easy and sometimes you gotta wade through a pile of sh*t to get through to the other side to better things. But don’t let it stop you from putting yourself out there.

I’d like to think there is more good in the world to outweigh the bad.
I’d rather have hope than nothing at all….and lately…..even though it’s felt like nothing at all….I will still perservere.

xoxo Natalie

Agree To Disagree

The concept that not everyone is going to agree with you is so difficult for some.
Instead of just accepting that another has a different view, opinion or idea, it’s instantly turned into an argument because if you’re not agreeable, you’re wrong.
It baffles me that a person can have such a necessity to thrive off conflict.
Instead of encouraging discussion, being so one sided encourages dictation and alienation. And to be pretty blunt, it kinda gives you automatic d*ck status.

I’m all for having an opinion and oh boy can I be an opinionated jerk myself.
However, I would never make someone feel bad for what they like or what they are passionate about because if it matters to them, they should be able to have their joy without someone pooping all over it.

I don’t think the world would be half as interesting if we all beat down the people we knew till they agreed to love everything and only everything we love.
Diversity and multiple interests is what makes a community thrive!
It also gives us a chance to learn about things we never thought about or encountered.

And I’m sorry, if every gal pal of mine had the same interests as me, it would make my chances of making Travis Fimmel, Jared Leto, Ryan Guzman and Tyler Hoechlin fall in love with me exponentially more difficult and I just can’t have that ;o)

xoxo Natalie